Friends for talking to about life, not sharing it

A Spanish friend recently shared this podcast with me,

which is based on this article from the same outlet:

La cultura de quedar para ponerse al día con amigos: por qué ya no compartimos la vida, nos la resumimos

En la era de la hiperproductividad, las amistades adultas son cada vez más proyectos que se programan y se mantienen a base de actualizaciones periódicas

ElDiario.esJuanjo Villalba

It's about some of the challenges facing people in Spain – and, I'd say, London and many other places – today with maintaining healthy friendships. We see our friends infrequently, even when they live in the same city as us. It's a struggle to schedule time with them, often having to try several times and book time weeks in advance. And when we meet, it's often just for conversation over a meal or drinks, and the conversation is primarily about what we've been doing recently and what we plan to do in the future. We don't share life with those people. We live life and then tell them about it.

The way we use messenger apps and social media often don't make things better, either. They're often better than nothing, and in some cases genuinely improve relationships. But they also often prompt us to substitute quantity for quality: having more, low quality interaction via text or video call in place of in-person accompaniment. Saving time travelling to see granny by video calling her, knowing that it's no substitute with her on the side of the bed, talking about local politics and gossip (much the same where I'm from 😄) while she holds one of your hands in one of hers and rubs your back with the other.

The article's recommendations are simple and don't seem quite up to the size of the task it sketches: slow down; give symbolic meaning to meetings, ritualising moments together rather than trying to make them as efficient and productive as possible; and remember that some friendships aren't meant to last forever. Despite that, I recommend you read the article, even if you need Google Translate to understand it.

Overall, I found both the podcast and the article moving. They definitely hit home for me. For a while I've disliked what the article calls "catch-up culture" even though I haven't had a term for it (though it reproduces it in English, without a translation, so maybe I should've already known about it). But at the same time, it feels like the article doesn't really address one of the primary forms that my meetings with friends take, which is around an activity: going to the movies, playing boardgames, seeing their children, playing tennis, for church. Those often also involve food and drink, and there's sometimes too much catching up, but they feel to me more like sharing life than just talking about it.

But even when I think about the friendships I have that are built around doing those things today, a lot of what the article talks about still applies. For one, the meetings are generally not frequent enough. But more importantly, the shared activities sometimes feel like fillers, while sharing life is about sharing the things that matter.

So I wonder if something else missing, something apart from doing things together. Maybe that's having a shared project, something that doesn't just pass the time but is aimed at something important, or at least feels like it's going somewhere. Thinking back to the kinds of friendships, or earlier phases of current friendships, in my past that feel more full than most I have now (and assuming I'm not just being nostalgic):

1. there was a lot more time spent regularly together
2. we shared something substantive (a course, a deep activity, church, a house / accommodation, work)
3. we had shared projects: a class we were taking together, a city we were new to, a faith we were wrestling for and with, a sport we were learning, a craft we were mastering, ideas we were passionate about exploring

I think the first point is the most important, and it's something I need to make medium to long term plans about fixing by choosing to live closer to my friends. I just won't spend nearly as much time – especially the slower, less productive, "ritualised" time it talks about – with people as I did in school, university, and as a young adult without consciously structuring my life to do so, and that will take some time.

But I think there's also a lot I can do in the short term on the second and third, both with old friends and new, but especially with old friends.